The Rest of Her Story.

By Janine Roberts - >

 

You have read a fairly detailed account of my career in the first part of my resume. I have evidently had an exciting life.

But there is another whole dimension to my story. In all my investigative work I have felt personally vulnerable because of this other aspect to my background. I was scared that this would come out and eclipse my serious work.But while working on the diamond investigation I learnt my gender background was all the gossip at De Beers - and twice attempts were made by people unknown to me to publically expose me. So now I feel it is time to tell my story myself, so that in future I cannot be held hostage.

 

Over twenty years ago I re-assigned socially to the female gender - to where I should always have been according to the doctors I consulted. Since then I have had no gender identity problems. I have enjoyed being at home with myself as a woman. But as a writer, I have felt an increasing need to be able to draw on all my rich life as a whole. I have not done this due to the need to protect others, but now I feel is the proper time. And it is only now do I have in the internet a wonderful medium that allows me to put my transition into the context of my other work.

The time of transitioning was scary - I was frightened of being seen as a kind of sexual monster. At the time I transitioned, I did not hide away (as advised by my doctors - who suggested I moved cities and careers) and as a result had a rich time with friends who appreciated me being so open. But my openness at that time has made it possible for other less friendly people who I had targeted in my journalism to learn about my background and to plan ways of getting at me.

Another aspect to my life that gives me an experience rare among women is that I was ordained a Catholic priest! I went through a novitiate, survived training in repressive college housed in a mock Gothic castle on the English coast where I would have been expelled for stepping onto the beach without permission. I went from there to study with the Jesuits - and achieved a Masters in Theology. I was then ordained and I moved towards my ambition of being a worker-priest - a priest who lives as one with ordinary people, not as part of the elite.

I then went on for further studies to both the London School of Economics (LSE) and Bedford college, London University reading Sociology, specialising in industrial development and white collar crime.I became involved in the 1968 LSE student uprising. I was an elected representative of the sociology students and a left wing candidate for president of Bedford -failing by about 8 votes to be elected.

I worked at that time also with the Simon Community, organising soup runs and work for London's homeless - where I met the woman with whom I was to have 2 daughters. She was a great soul mate - although she made the initial mistake of thinking my lack then of a sex drive was due to the influence on me of the Catholic church. Our marriage led to my excommunication from the institutional church.

We were married with a great folk wedding with a Dominican Priest officiating - a marvellous man who used to lead the Aldermaston peace marches. This was followed by a ceremony with radical Catholics in Holland. We went out to Australia overland seeing our trip as a pilgrimage to discover the wisdom of other religions. We worked briefly in a house for the poor associated with Mother Teresa and visiting ashrams, buddhist and hindu temples and mosques.

The birth of our daughters brought my extremely mixed sexuality to the fore. The mad inner quirk that I had lived with so long - that I should be a woman -became increasingly impossible to suppress.

Doctors have explained to me that my brain formed on a female pattern (which is quite distinctive from a male) at an early stage in the womb, and the genitals formed later in a different mould by some hormonal fluke. Thus I had a strange totally weird feeling from 4 years old that I was a a woman in the wrong body.

My partner and I decided to stay together to rear the kids. Our daughters always knew what had happened. Publicly they said they had two mums. Some parents thought we were Lesbians. We stayed together about 15 years - over 12 of these as two women.

Aboriginal people knew of my change - as did all my colleagues. Friends became closer - though often muddled. I was delighted with easily "passing" - but horrified at how my life was affected by suddenly having a lower social status as a woman - and being a consumable commodity in the eyes of many men. I had been accustomed to my research work being seen as authorative. Now often it often was seen as merely a female opinion to be confirmed by males.I also had to re-socialize myself, go through a second adolescence - and find out how to control my eyes and keep men in their place.

Doctors refused to treat me twice because I refused to leave my children. This happened first in 1975 in Australia and again in England in 1978. I was told that it was bad for the children. I countered that deserting children was scarcely good for them either - and scarcely a female thing to do.

 

I enjoy my female sexuality. Men are sometimes attractive! (I never found them so before) They are also often shits, impossible to deal with and infuriating. I need my Irish nature to cope with continually (until now) have battles because I cannot accept having lower status than guys.

I eventually received excellent treatment at an Australian hospital - without having to leave my children. By then the operation had little more emotional importance than a cosmetic operation for I had been living with great pleasure as a woman for eight years.

I soon found out how rough it could be as a woman. Out in the desert of the Australian outback I survived a rape-attempt. I had never dreamt that I might be vulnerable to such an attack.

During my adolescence as a woman, I was closely involved with the Aboriginal autonomy movement in Australia. I travelled with them into the remotest parts of Australia. I was taken by Aboriginal women to sacred women's places and sung their ageless songs.

Elders honoured me by sitting by my camp fire and telling me stories and songs that are thousands of years old. I saw Aboriginal writings carved 20,000 years ago. They sung songs about volcanoes that erupted over ten thousand years ago. They told me in great detail their oral history of the arrival of the first whites to arrive. One day in North Queensland I was told in great detail about how the Dutch had build huts nearby - in 1606 - probably the first white settlement in Australia. They told it to me as if it were 10 years ago. Later an Aboriginal woman told me that my gender reassignment made me a member of a discriminated against minority so I should be better able to understand their own experiences as Aborigines in Australia. However I feel being brought up as an anti-colonial Northern Irish child was probably then the reason why I had a sympathy for their cause..

It was not that pleasurable all the time. A catholic mission in the remote Kimberleys banned a BBC team after discovering they were working with me. Once a priest, always a priest they say. That makes me a female catholic priest! London University reissued my degree in my female name. The Jesuits did not.

I believe people need to come out if attitudes are to be changed - but I could not do so earlier as the kids must come first - I was afraid they might be teased at school. Also I wanted to establish my professional credentials as an investigative journalist and film-maker before I came out - as I very definitely wanted people to see my history as a hermaphrodite as only a small part of the life experience that made me who I am.

My diamond film was the most international and expensive of investigative documentaries. I raised US$1.2 million to make it. I have told elsewhere how hard it was to raise these funds when major TV networks were nervous about taking on the Diamond Cartel. Eventually when the BBC committed to it, I thought I had it made.

 

It seems it was about then that someone thought to use my gender history against me. I had a phone call from Australia saying a UK tabloid had been tipped off about me (What about me ? I demanded at the time. I had lived as Jan very happily for 18 years) This tabloid had people out in Australia hunting up my sex life. Its reporters laid siege to my flat. It seemed that behind this lay an effort to discredit me in the eyes of the BBC - which would have stopped our diamond series.

The BBC (prewarned by me) were officially amused by the tabloid article - and I was assured I still had their fullest support.A daughter of mine phoned up outraged and said she was grown up now so I could now feel free to tell my own story if I wanted.

But I think the BBC attitude was not as neat as it seemed. Shortly after this I was told it had been decided to 'quarantine me'. Initially I fought these efforts to marginalize me. We filmed in several continents. Everywhere I went De Beers warned diamond merchants not to talk to me. Tiffaney's on 5th Avenue, New York, would not meet me. Goldbergs were told don't talk her as "She has worked in Australia with Blacks and made life difficult for mining companies'. I still got the intervews needed.

But then, half way through the making of the film, I was mocked and assaulted as a transgendered person by a gang of strangers who came to my home under false pretences - and who had been briefed on me before they came. I finished up critically ill in hospital for 2 months. During the weeks when I knew I could soon die, I thought what I had left undone that I should do. My conclusion was that I had been too secretive. I had hid a blessing. I was not sharing the richest part of my life. I had hidden not just my transition but everything I did before that time.

I am proud of my life, I don't quite understand why I should be so different from most people, but I think my gender voyage an experence that has greatly enriched me. I thank my Creatrix for it, and for an very rich life.

 

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