The Rest of Her Story.
By Janine Roberts - >
You have read a fairly detailed account of
my career in the first part of my resume. I have evidently had an
exciting life.
But there is another whole dimension to my
story. In all my investigative work I have felt personally vulnerable
because of this other aspect to my background. I was scared that this
would come out and eclipse my serious work.But while working on the
diamond investigation I learnt my gender background was all the
gossip at De Beers - and twice attempts were made by people unknown
to me to publically expose me. So now I feel it is time to tell my
story myself, so that in future I cannot be held hostage.
Over twenty years ago I re-assigned
socially to the female gender - to where I should always have been
according to the doctors I consulted. Since then I have had no gender
identity problems. I have enjoyed being at home with myself as a
woman. But as a writer, I have felt an increasing need to be able to
draw on all my rich life as a whole. I have not done this due to the
need to protect others, but now I feel is the proper time. And it is
only now do I have in the internet a wonderful medium that allows me
to put my transition into the context of my other work.
The time of transitioning was scary - I
was frightened of being seen as a kind of sexual monster. At the time
I transitioned, I did not hide away (as advised by my doctors - who
suggested I moved cities and careers) and as a result had a rich time
with friends who appreciated me being so open. But my openness at
that time has made it possible for other less friendly people who I
had targeted in my journalism to learn about my background and to
plan ways of getting at me.
Another aspect to my life that gives me an
experience rare among women is that I was ordained a Catholic priest!
I went through a novitiate, survived training in repressive college
housed in a mock Gothic castle on the English coast where I would
have been expelled for stepping onto the beach without permission. I
went from there to study with the Jesuits - and achieved a Masters in
Theology. I was then ordained and I moved towards my ambition of
being a worker-priest - a priest who lives as one with ordinary
people, not as part of the elite.
I then went on for further studies to both
the London School of Economics (LSE) and Bedford college, London
University reading Sociology, specialising in industrial development
and white collar crime.I became involved in the 1968 LSE student
uprising. I was an elected representative of the sociology students
and a left wing candidate for president of Bedford -failing by about
8 votes to be elected.
I worked at that time also with the Simon
Community, organising soup runs and work for London's homeless -
where I met the woman with whom I was to have 2 daughters. She was a
great soul mate - although she made the initial mistake of thinking
my lack then of a sex drive was due to the influence on me of the
Catholic church. Our marriage led to my excommunication from the
institutional church.
We were married with a great folk wedding
with a Dominican Priest officiating - a marvellous man who used to
lead the Aldermaston peace marches. This was followed by a ceremony
with radical Catholics in Holland. We went out to Australia overland
seeing our trip as a pilgrimage to discover the wisdom of other
religions. We worked briefly in a house for the poor associated with
Mother Teresa and visiting ashrams, buddhist and hindu temples and
mosques.
The birth of our daughters brought my
extremely mixed sexuality to the fore. The mad inner quirk that I had
lived with so long - that I should be a woman -became increasingly
impossible to suppress.
Doctors have explained to me that my brain
formed on a female pattern (which is quite distinctive from a male)
at an early stage in the womb, and the genitals formed later in a
different mould by some hormonal fluke. Thus I had a strange totally
weird feeling from 4 years old that I was a a woman in the wrong
body.
My partner and I decided to stay together
to rear the kids. Our daughters always knew what had happened.
Publicly they said they had two mums. Some parents thought we were
Lesbians. We stayed together about 15 years - over 12 of these as two
women.
Aboriginal people knew of my change - as
did all my colleagues. Friends became closer - though often muddled.
I was delighted with easily "passing" - but horrified at how my life
was affected by suddenly having a lower social status as a woman -
and being a consumable commodity in the eyes of many men. I had been
accustomed to my research work being seen as authorative. Now often
it often was seen as merely a female opinion to be confirmed by
males.I also had to re-socialize myself, go through a second
adolescence - and find out how to control my eyes and keep men in
their place.
Doctors refused to treat me twice because
I refused to leave my children. This happened first in 1975 in
Australia and again in England in 1978. I was told that it was bad
for the children. I countered that deserting children was scarcely
good for them either - and scarcely a female thing to do.
I enjoy my female sexuality. Men are
sometimes attractive! (I never found them so before) They are also
often shits, impossible to deal with and infuriating. I need my Irish
nature to cope with continually (until now) have battles because I
cannot accept having lower status than guys.
I eventually received excellent treatment
at an Australian hospital - without having to leave my children. By
then the operation had little more emotional importance than a
cosmetic operation for I had been living with great pleasure as a
woman for eight years.
I soon found out how rough it could be as
a woman. Out in the desert of the Australian outback I survived a
rape-attempt. I had never dreamt that I might be vulnerable to such
an attack.
During my adolescence as a woman, I was
closely involved with the Aboriginal autonomy movement in Australia.
I travelled with them into the remotest parts of Australia. I was
taken by Aboriginal women to sacred women's places and sung their
ageless songs.
Elders honoured me by sitting by my camp
fire and telling me stories and songs that are thousands of years
old. I saw Aboriginal writings carved 20,000 years ago. They sung
songs about volcanoes that erupted over ten thousand years ago. They
told me in great detail their oral history of the arrival of the
first whites to arrive. One day in North Queensland I was told in
great detail about how the Dutch had build huts nearby - in 1606 -
probably the first white settlement in Australia. They told it to me
as if it were 10 years ago. Later an Aboriginal woman told me that my
gender reassignment made me a member of a discriminated against
minority so I should be better able to understand their own
experiences as Aborigines in Australia. However I feel being brought
up as an anti-colonial Northern Irish child was probably then the
reason why I had a sympathy for their cause..
It was not that pleasurable all the time.
A catholic mission in the remote Kimberleys banned a BBC team after
discovering they were working with me. Once a priest, always a priest
they say. That makes me a female catholic priest! London University
reissued my degree in my female name. The Jesuits did not.
I believe people need to come out if
attitudes are to be changed - but I could not do so earlier as the
kids must come first - I was afraid they might be teased at school.
Also I wanted to establish my professional credentials as an
investigative journalist and film-maker before I came out - as I very
definitely wanted people to see my history as a hermaphrodite as only
a small part of the life experience that made me who I am.
My diamond film was the most international
and expensive of investigative documentaries. I raised US$1.2 million
to make it. I have told elsewhere how hard it was to raise these
funds when major TV networks were nervous about taking on the Diamond
Cartel. Eventually when the BBC committed to it, I thought I had it
made.
It seems it was about then that someone
thought to use my gender history against me. I had a phone call from
Australia saying a UK tabloid had been tipped off about me (What
about me ? I demanded at the time. I had lived as Jan very happily
for 18 years) This tabloid had people out in Australia hunting up my
sex life. Its reporters laid siege to my flat. It seemed that behind
this lay an effort to discredit me in the eyes of the BBC - which
would have stopped our diamond series.
The BBC (prewarned by me) were officially
amused by the tabloid article - and I was assured I still had their
fullest support.A daughter of mine phoned up outraged and said she
was grown up now so I could now feel free to tell my own story if I
wanted.
But I think the BBC attitude was not as
neat as it seemed. Shortly after this I was told it had been decided
to 'quarantine me'. Initially I fought these efforts to marginalize
me. We filmed in several continents. Everywhere I went De Beers
warned diamond merchants not to talk to me. Tiffaney's on 5th Avenue,
New York, would not meet me. Goldbergs were told don't talk her as
"She has worked in Australia with Blacks and made life difficult for
mining companies'. I still got the intervews needed.
But then, half way through the making of
the film, I was mocked and assaulted as a transgendered person by a
gang of strangers who came to my home under false pretences - and who
had been briefed on me before they came. I finished up critically ill
in hospital for 2 months. During the weeks when I knew I could soon
die, I thought what I had left undone that I should do. My conclusion
was that I had been too secretive. I had hid a blessing. I was not
sharing the richest part of my life. I had hidden not just my
transition but everything I did before that time.
I am proud of my life, I don't quite
understand why I should be so different from most people, but I think
my gender voyage an experence that has greatly enriched me. I thank
my Creatrix for it, and for an very rich life.
To Return to the
Professional Page of my Resume
To the story of the
dispute with De Beers and the BBC
To Return to the
Meeting Place
Click to return
to the Library Entrance.
To Contact Jani
Roberts