The Cowardly Lioness Seeking Courage.

By Jani Roberts >

This web-site, my Library, is the occasion of my integrating all my life together. I am coming to the richest part of my life where I can draw on all the resources I have gathered during life. But for many many years I was scared to do this. I was tackling as an investigative journalist powerful companies and I feared they would use the information against me. So I decided I would wait until my next book was out, an investigation of the international diamond cartel. I had a major publisher planning to launch it in four continents - they wrote to me saying it was accomplished, well documented, important and a hot property - but then interminable delays set in. I had thought that the appearance of this book would be the time to integrate my life, to stop hiding half it. So this was me, the cowardly lioness in her cave editing her book on hunting greedy price fixing cartels....

Here's a short story I wrote by looking inwards while I was still in my cave:

There is a lioness, sulking deep in a dark cave who has been terribly wounded, betrayed by friends to a demon. The betrayal hurt more than the wound - the wound is healing but she scarcely knows it - so deep is the hurt in her heart. She knows some she trusted wished her ill. This is incomprehensible to her.

yet - she can see the mouth of the cave and, in the radiant sunshine, she can see a deep pool of cool water set in a grove of shady trees - not a hundred yards away.

She has been in the cave a very long time, She is getting terribly thirsty. But she fears that the demon is waiting to pounce on her as soon as she comes out into the sunlight... she slithers on her stomach towards the light, looks out at the pool of water, hears the murmur of the stream that feeds it, but in dreadful fear does not venture out into the light.

Lying there she invents excuses. If she writes a brilliant book on "The skills of hunting", others outside in the light might come to the cave to see her and might protect her - so she can safely emerge and go to book launching parties - and drink. The book will take 9 months till it comes out. Maybe she can drink the dew on the moss and lichens and survive till then - this is dubious.... still she is tough, she is a lioness after all. She writes and writes but desperation and thirst weakens her. The completion of the book becomes an obsession... and she weakens. She thinks, this book is not bringing me in any income, and will not for 2 years - I must get a good income first before I go outside so I can support myself. So if I sell some articles and make a film.... use this haven as a "writing opportunity". She sets to work again, feverishly scratching her stories on rocks and phoning them through to editors (it is a cave with a phone fortunately) ... but as she does so she gets thirstier and thirstier - and more desperate. The tasks she set herself seem more and more impossible .... she starts to think she may die in the cave... she works still more feverishly. She does get some satisfaction. Some of her articles get pubished, some do good, most are remembered. Hundreds of thousands read them --- but she is still practically as lonely as ever as her readers presume she must be so sane, so well provided for, so healthy to be writing like that - and few ever contact her.... she stays in her cave.

She is right about the demon - it does lurk by the entrance, sent there by the fears of others who dread her entrance into the world of the light. But the demon does not lurk in the light. It lurks in the half light just inside the entrance to the cave. It too dreads the light but with reason... it knows it's one chance to destroy the lioness willcome in that half light...

The Lioness does have a Lover - out in the light... a Lover that has long been able to send her thoughts to her Lioness, ever since she was a cub playing and rolling in the light.

As Lioness lies in the gloom, a persistant vision lures her towards the light. Have courage, the voice mutters in her ear.... don't be a scared little puss.

But my scars, mutters the Lioness.

They are nothing. Look they are healed.

Don't feel like it, says Lioness, scratching them open.

You need to drink, come, immerse yourself. It's sparkling, life giving. You will die without it.

I know, I know. As soon as I am ready. The Lioness picks up her manuscript, sent back to her by an equally cowardy publisher for the hundreth time.

Once this is off to the publisher and at the printers, then I will come out.

There is a peal of laughter in her ear.

You are so daft! Why not write it while lazing in the sun by the pool. .. there is fresh food waiting for you as well as water. You would write better in the sunlight.

I am not sure of that mutters the lion slinking backwards into a crevice.... it is dangerous out there..... there's some muddy water somewhere back here - it will keep me going and I will finish it.

Out there I might be distracted by pleasure... writing gives me pleasure and enables me to escape mentally.

Again the laughter came. You daft lioness, said the Lover, you only have to make one leap - and I will protect you....

You will protect me?

Yes, what good are lovers for if they do not care for those they love.?

Well if you are sure...

The sparkle in the eyes of the Lover filled the cave with a storm of fireflies.

Well, if you don't mind protecting me


I will come.

It was at this point that the Lioness became aware that there were others there. She looked wide eyed and saw others - come to help her.

Wait a minute, she protested. I am not out yet... don't come in here, it is mucky!

But you are coming, let us get you ready.... let us get to know you.

But, i have not groomed myself, I have scars

We want to know the lioness that is about to leave the cave.

You too are daft, she told them, and with no more ado,

She leapt into the light.

The demon was so surprised by the sudden move that he grasped at empy air then tumbled after her into the light - and faded into a harmless fog...

Sit on the rocks by the pool and I'll tell you more

The full uncensored Curriculum Vitae (Resume) of Janine Roberts. First Part with more details on the fight with the BBC and De Beers.

The Second Part of her Curriculum Vitae. - the more personal.

Jani's professional page.

For Some Facts.

To write to the author Jani