The Cowardly Lioness Seeking
By Jani Roberts >
This web-site, my Library, is the occasion
of my integrating all my life together. I am coming to the richest
part of my life where I can draw on all the resources I have gathered
during life. But for many many years I was scared to do this. I was
tackling as an investigative journalist powerful companies and I
feared they would use the information against me. So I decided I
would wait until my next book was out, an investigation of the
international diamond cartel. I had a major publisher planning to
launch it in four continents - they wrote to me saying it was
accomplished, well documented, important and a hot property - but
then interminable delays set in. I had thought that the appearance of
this book would be the time to integrate my life, to stop hiding half
it. So this was me, the cowardly lioness in her cave editing her book
on hunting greedy price fixing cartels....
Here's a short story I wrote by looking
inwards while I was still in my cave:
There is a lioness, sulking deep in a dark
cave who has been terribly wounded, betrayed by friends to a demon.
The betrayal hurt more than the wound - the wound is healing but she
scarcely knows it - so deep is the hurt in her heart. She knows some
she trusted wished her ill. This is incomprehensible to her.
yet - she can see the mouth of the cave
and, in the radiant sunshine, she can see a deep pool of cool water
set in a grove of shady trees - not a hundred yards away.
She has been in the cave a very long time,
She is getting terribly thirsty. But she fears that the demon is
waiting to pounce on her as soon as she comes out into the
sunlight... she slithers on her stomach towards the light, looks out
at the pool of water, hears the murmur of the stream that feeds it,
but in dreadful fear does not venture out into the light.
Lying there she invents excuses. If she
writes a brilliant book on "The skills of hunting", others outside in
the light might come to the cave to see her and might protect her -
so she can safely emerge and go to book launching parties - and
drink. The book will take 9 months till it comes out. Maybe she can
drink the dew on the moss and lichens and survive till then - this is
dubious.... still she is tough, she is a lioness after all. She
writes and writes but desperation and thirst weakens her. The
completion of the book becomes an obsession... and she weakens. She
thinks, this book is not bringing me in any income, and will not for
2 years - I must get a good income first before I go outside so I can
support myself. So if I sell some articles and make a film.... use
this haven as a "writing opportunity". She sets to work again,
feverishly scratching her stories on rocks and phoning them through
to editors (it is a cave with a phone fortunately) ... but as she
does so she gets thirstier and thirstier - and more desperate. The
tasks she set herself seem more and more impossible .... she starts
to think she may die in the cave... she works still more feverishly.
She does get some satisfaction. Some of her articles get pubished,
some do good, most are remembered. Hundreds of thousands read them
--- but she is still practically as lonely as ever as her readers
presume she must be so sane, so well provided for, so healthy to be
writing like that - and few ever contact her.... she stays in her
She is right about the demon - it does
lurk by the entrance, sent there by the fears of others who dread her
entrance into the world of the light. But the demon does not lurk in
the light. It lurks in the half light just inside the entrance to the
cave. It too dreads the light but with reason... it knows it's one
chance to destroy the lioness willcome in that half light...
The Lioness does have a Lover - out in the
light... a Lover that has long been able to send her thoughts to her
Lioness, ever since she was a cub playing and rolling in the
As Lioness lies in the gloom, a persistant
vision lures her towards the light. Have courage, the voice mutters
in her ear.... don't be a scared little puss.
But my scars, mutters the Lioness.
They are nothing. Look they are
Don't feel like it, says Lioness,
scratching them open.
You need to drink, come, immerse yourself.
It's sparkling, life giving. You will die without it.
I know, I know. As soon as I am ready. The
Lioness picks up her manuscript, sent back to her by an equally
cowardy publisher for the hundreth time.
Once this is off to the publisher and at
the printers, then I will come out.
There is a peal of laughter in her
You are so daft! Why not write it while
lazing in the sun by the pool. .. there is fresh food waiting for you
as well as water. You would write better in the sunlight.
I am not sure of that mutters the lion
slinking backwards into a crevice.... it is dangerous out there.....
there's some muddy water somewhere back here - it will keep me going
and I will finish it.
Out there I might be distracted by
pleasure... writing gives me pleasure and enables me to escape
Again the laughter came. You daft lioness,
said the Lover, you only have to make one leap - and I will protect
You will protect me?
Yes, what good are lovers for if they do
not care for those they love.?
Well if you are sure...
The sparkle in the eyes of the Lover
filled the cave with a storm of fireflies.
Well, if you don't mind protecting
I will come.
It was at this point that the Lioness
became aware that there were others there. She looked wide eyed and
saw others - come to help her.
Wait a minute, she protested. I am not out
yet... don't come in here, it is mucky!
But you are coming, let us get you
ready.... let us get to know you.
But, i have not groomed myself, I have
We want to know the lioness that is about
to leave the cave.
You too are daft, she told them, and with
no more ado,
She leapt into the light.
The demon was so surprised by the sudden
move that he grasped at empy air then tumbled after her into the
light - and faded into a harmless fog...
Sit on the rocks by
the pool and I'll tell you more
The full uncensored
Curriculum Vitae (Resume) of Janine Roberts. First Part with more
details on the fight with the BBC and De Beers.
The Second Part of
her Curriculum Vitae. - the more personal.
To write to the